Inner Remodeling

One of the New Years traditions I experienced in Italy that left an incredible mark on me - almost literally, and you'll soon understand why I say that - was that of getting rid of old "stuff" all during the day and night of New Years Eve. This tradition is especially visible and dramatic in Naples, where I had the great fortune to experience one such heralding of the New Year, which is actually renowned in all of Italy for how wildly dramatic the Neapolitans are on this holiday. They take it very seriously indeed, with literally everyone doing some fireworks themselves, to the point where the whole city is a-crackle with everything from sparklers to bombs for hours on end. It is quite a sight to see, and the smog that is created afterward from the smoke of so many pyrotechnics can linger in the hills of the city and over the bay well into the morning! The national papers also carry the news the next day on how many people were injured during the festivities - the tally is usually quite high - but that never seems to deter anyone!

But one of their most unique traditions is that of how they actually get rid of the old. 




The year I had the opportunity to spend New Years in Naples I was a guest of friends in the Spanish Quarter, which is one of the oldest sectors of the city. A literal maze of centuries-old buildings connected by narrow, winding streets that climb ever higher, this quarter is always a-buzz with all kinds of comings and goings, but on New Years Eve not only do you have to be careful about side-stepping firecrackers and even much bigger explosives, but you have to watch what might be falling from above! The inhabitants clean out the old with a vengeance, often launching their unwanted belongings, including furniture, from the windows! I had quite a shock when strolling through one of the vicoletti suddenly just a few feet in front of me a large, wooden desk plummeted to earth from a few stories up, making a crash that almost rivalled all the other high-decible noises produced by whatever people were lighting off. Indeed it was so unsettling that I thereafter decided to get to my other friends' home where I would be spending the evening, in one of the more elevated quarters where we had a spectacular view of the city going absolutely mad, as quickly as I could, and hopefully without any consequences to my physical - or emotional - integrity!! (I have to say that this experience left me literally shaking, I was absolutely terrified by it, to the great amusement of my Neapolitan friends!).

But what has most remained in my memory from that unforgettable night is especially that desk, which seemed to speak so eloquently of its owner's desire to really turn over a new leaf. I'm sure it took muscle to get it to the window and then heave it out, and it certainly took a good amount of conviction that such effort, and the possible consequences to passers-by, were absolutely welcome prices to pay to get rid of something that was no longer useful and had become a burden. (Ok, I know, we could also look at it from the angle of how completely selfish and self-centered such an action is, but we'll let that go for now!).

For me these last weeks of 2010 have been ones of deep reflection, where I have been again encouraged by my body to really look at how I am using my energies, and how I can curb the ever-incessant pressures of "mind" to do, do, do, to always rush around to fill up all kinds of voids and to push ever harder to attempt to achieve goals that it has either been convinced, or has convinced itself, are important ones.

As the days went on and my body became more vocal in terms of what it really wanted (rest, nourishment, gentle exercise, some important changes in habits in both intake and output that are no longer good for me), I began to feel that what was truly in order was quite another major overhaul in terms of what my priorities are.

I was called to do some major "remodeling" of first of all how I was thinking about my life, so I could then make some essential shifts in how I could actually live.

I had to allow myself to love myself even more.

It is always amazing to me how challenging this can be, how every time I am ready to make another step further toward my essence, towards a deep respect for who I am and how I am "made" (and knowledge of my energy type as described by Human Design has been a real blessing for me in this process), I must first wade through a lot of leftover "shoulds" that still occupy so much of me, as well as a tendency to look outward and compare myself to others. It is also a continual challenge to let go of certain cultural models that drive our Western, industrialized society - models that push us all, whether we are aware of it or not, towards a "homogenization" that cannot take into account the needs, to say nothing of the deeper desires, of the individual Person.

I have known in my heart for many years that it is up to me to first become aware of, and then free myself, of these deep forms of conditioning, and I have been picking away at it for many years now, slowly sculpting a new identity for myself, or perhaps it is more correct to say I have been chipping away the false identity that has shrouded me, so that my True Self can emerge ever more. I am also aware that this is not a process that has an end - we are perhaps lucky if we manage to find the proper stimulus and guidance to begin it, and once we have started, it is truly only a starting point for a journey that has no finish-line. There are only points along the way where we are called to make ever deeper shifts ... with the advantage, however, that as we progress, the benefits increase exponentially. In my experience, these benefits are not measurable, at first, in our "outer" life: they are treasures we discover, and feel, within our deepest selves - greater inner peace, greater tolerance and acceptance of others, a greater ability to live in the moment, to name just a few of the most important for me.

And as I chip away at that False Self, there are times when some rather drastic remodeling is required! A simple redecorating is out of the question: walls must be torn down, old fixtures must be removed, flooring must be torn out. And whereas the process today for me is exciting, because I have gone through it often enough to have a deep faith that I am indeed making room for much greater Beauty in my life, it is always unsettling, and there is also always a mourning process that must be experienced deeply, as a natural tilling of the soil that will one day be home to expressions of my individuality that I today cannot even imagine.

Some of the things I have gathered to "throw out" today are:

- my need to "know" ahead of time how things will turn out for me, be they in my work or personal life;

- my feeling that I "should" organize my life according to certain schedules and rhythms that others have told me are "correct" (and they probably are - but they are correct for them, not for me!);

- my difficulty in saying "no" to others' needs and demands on my time and energy, for fear of losing their "love" or approval.

These are actually just a few, but they are each entire rooms in themselves within me, or perhaps even complete levels or floors of my consciousness!! 

So the process has been quite exhausting, because knocking down all these walls, and even deciding to rip up some flooring that I have dearly loved but know is no longer supportive of my unfolding essence, requires not a little bit of energy! 

But as I have been managing to allow this process to unfold within me, it has been absolutely amazing to me to feel the new lightness and space that is being created. It is also clear that as I approach the celebration of my half-century of life, such an overhaul is absolutely essential, if I am to move into my next phase with a deeper understanding and respect for my "holistic" being - where my body and soul become ever more the drivers , and "mind" with all its crazy demands can finally take a back seat, into a position of being of service to my life and to Life itself, rather than having it dominate, drive and so often abuse them.

My New Years wish for all of those reading me is that you, too, can delve deep within and not be afraid of getting rid of some of your old "stuff", knowing that as you do so you are actually making some fundamental, existential "space" for whole new facets of your Self to emerge.

It takes courage, because deciding to do things differently than you have in the past and from others around you does create a void. But one of the most beautiful discoveries that you may make is that in that void lies your Divine Spark, your True Self, whose riches may not unfold in purely material or monetary terms, but are most certainly much greater than you can ever imagine, and which bring true Love and Beauty not only to you and to those around you, but to Life itself. It may seem that these are "intangible" values, but I can assure you they are not: when we manage to embrace them deep within, they begin to express outwardly, and they start coming alive not only in the form of material reality - new people, new projects, new resources - but also in one of an ever-transformative field of energy. I can feel this today, I can touch its vibrations and hear its beautiful, melodious voice, that reassures me that everything really is okay, I am safe and I am loved in the Universe and also calls me onward towards new levels of being.

I can't help but say this: if I am experiencing this, believe me, anyone can, because my own journey has been an almost continual uphill climb - if not a battle - from conception onward! My only true merit is that I have simply never given up ... and I have had to wait many, many years to begin to truly experience the benefits of my decision made a long time ago to devote my entire existence to this path, for myself and for the benefit of others around me, be they my loved ones or my clients or anyone I may encounter along the way. I have often wondered if I were on the right path, and have whined incessantly because it seemed simply too hard and too lonely. But today I can say with all my heart that I am so grateful to have found the right guidance and the strength I needed to keep on going even when it seemed absolutely futile, because I am beginning to glimpse the reality that we can truly create heaven here on earth, within ourselves, within our own hearts and minds. For me this "heaven" is a lot simpler and "emptier" than I would have ever imagined I could want it to be, and its peace and beauty far exceeds anything I could have ever imagined either!

And I also can't help but express my enormous gratitude to all of those who have contributed to my journey, and especially to those who are in my life today, be it on a personal or a professional level. Each one of you have contributed something special, something unique, to my very being, be it great or small: you are each an essential piece of the Mosaic of my life.

In my own remodeling, know that you are here within me, that I honor and thank you from the depths of my heart, and I wish you truly a most special 2011, where you can take ever greater steps to make your deepest dreams and desires come true!

Martha